I secretly wish I could be a callous person -- that didn't care about anyone but themselves -- but I'm not. I care TOO MUCH -- some one once said that was my bane. I don't think it's THAT serious, but it's certainly what makes me feel obligated to do certain things I MAY not actually want to. Like last weekend I had to go to some stupid party because I felt obligated -- I didn't want to hurt my father's feelings. Meanwhile I felt horrible the whole day because I didn't want to go to the stupid party -- and everyone there always puts me down. I'd like to tell them to go fuck themselves. They're my family, but I don't know them -- they're like strangers you know -- like the person at the coffee shop that you call by name, but know absolutely nothing about.

The only time I want to go to a family gathering is after I get published. So I can throw the years of put downs, stupid comments, and general slurs, in their faces. Having a published book would make up for the YEARS of put downs. I would no longer be the "failed" member of the clan.

Obligations that I imposed on myself is what has kept me from living my life fully. I secretly wish that I could shed this feeling over night. I'm doing it, but it's not happening fast enough for me. I don't tell anyone, but I my plan is to not be attached to anything -- not be obligated to anything/anyone. That's my secret dream. I know I won't ever become that callous person -- but that's for the best. I just want to care a little less about everyone else, and more about myself. Even though I'm already pretty self-centered. I am self-centered, but at the same time I care about others to the point that I'll ignore my needs, and feelings, in order to please someone. Stupid.