I don't feel productive -- especially since I'm not. I'm not doing anything these days -- I need a job but I'm too depressed to go out and find one. I secretly wish that someone would snatch me up and take me somewhere where I could finish my writing project.

I secretly think that my writing is the best -- and the worst -- at the same time. I know, makes no sense, but I think that I'm both a great writer, and a bad writer. I secretly fear that no one will like my writing, and that everyone that does like it is just patronizing me. I want to be the best writer of my generation -- but I can't even finish one single book. I once wrote a book, but then I started to proof it and hated everything about it. I started to rewrite it -- after reading about two chapters I wanted to delete it. I put it on a floppy disc and nearly threw that in the trash -- a friend convinced me not to throw it away. My new computer doesn't have a floppy drive, so I can't read what I wrote -- and what made me so mad that I nearly deleted 3 years of work.

Now I'm writing a new book -- better than the first -- but I'm still not sure that a publisher isn't going to throw it back in my face. I've have always been lucky in that I've never wanted for much -- even though I didn't grow up with money -- I never felt poor. I feel poor now only because I haven't accomplished anything important in my life -- and my life is probably half over at this point. I feel horrible that my Mother and Grandmother passed away before I could make them proud -- though they were already proud of me because I didn't turn out to be a jerk. Still, I wanted to hand them my published book someday -- now I'll never be able to do that.