I secretly hate being a hopeless romantic. Growing up I got this idea that LOVE is the greatest thing in the world -- that love at first sight was possible -- that there was someone out there for me -- which it seems is all total bullshit.

In high school I saw this girl one day and INSTANTLY fell in love with her -- or what I thought to be in love. All I could do was stare at her -- being a total coward really sucks sometimes. I pined away for the better part of a decade. I became friends with her -- as I secretly told myself that I would -- but I should have said that I would become her husband. She's still the ONLY girl I have ever thought of marrying -- today marriage is a four letter word meaning dead, to me. I don't like that girl anymore -- because I finally saw the STUPIDITY of "loving" someone that has NO -- ZERO -- interest in you. I hate myself for taking SO long to figure that out. Although, I always knew it.

But secretly I WISHED beyond hope that those romantic notions of LOVE would turn fate on its side -- and one day she would turn to me and love me like I felt I loved her. I secretly still love her -- despite the fact that I tell myself I don't. It's not the same kind of feeling as it was before -- which is hoping that that she would love me back -- now I just love the feelings that I felt for her. The other day I was in a hotel and I saw a phone book. While waiting for a friend I looked up her name in the phone book. I found her father's name -- then I checked to see what edition it was -- it was the 2003 edition -- I was sad that it wasn't the 2005.