I have a few online "persona," Jack being the main one other than my real persona. Whatever real means. Jack is very much a part of me that I hide from people, but not consciously. You know what it is? People don't really like honesty. They SAY they do, but when you're honest with them they think you're being mean, or something. I'm not being mean, I'm being honest... idiot! Whatever. So, the honest part of me comes out and says things here, because no one can handle honest.

So here are a few honest facts:
I'm alone, no girlfriend to speak of, and I really don't know what causes women to be interested in me one moment only to be disinterested the next. I have many theories, and have even asked friends why I'm alone. I think that ultimately (another one of my theories coming) I'm alone because I actually want to be. Not that I don't want the emotional and physical companionship, just that my personality prefers solitude. But, an almost equal force inside me craves someone like the professor I met a few months ago. She's smart, attractive, likes my photography, and we seem to click. But....

I'm pretty darn confident in my abilities and talents, to the point of being arrogant. I make self effacing jokes because they're fun, and because I can take the sting of being laughed at. Why not? I'm also falsely modest. Ask me about my photography and I'll want to burst about how I composed the picture, how it was a thought out process, and how much time it took me to make it look just right on the computer. But, I hold back and just say "ah shucks," and let it go at that.

I can't say that I know what love is, because every woman I've "loved" has not loved me back. And so I know what it feels like on my side, but I don't know what it means to have someone love me in return, which is an integral part of being in love. Without that component the love I've felt towards women can only be called unrequited.

I'm not afraid to grow older or die someday. I've experienced the deaths of the most significant people in my life, I know after that anything else is just not going to hurt as much. But what I want to be able to do is leave this planet knowing that something of mine will continue. Nothing lasts forever, but I would like something I created, a photo or a book, be remembered by a vast variety of people. It's the closest thing we humans have to immortality, unless there really is a Heaven.

Despite the fact that most of my friends and family consider me an atheist, I'm actually not. I'm just someone who searches while others think they've found the answer. I've learned in life that we you most think you've found the answer you were looking for you haven't really found it. You have to continually search for meaning, because ultimately there is no meaning.

I could write more, but this entry is already my longest ever.